n. A meal or porridge made from ground oats
adj. The shade most people use to describe my bare skin
How the #*@$ Does That Happen!?
Yeah, about that... That one's probably been the question most asked, followed closely, of course, by "What's your problem?" and "What's wrong with you?" Of those queries, I figured "How the #*@$ does that happen!?" would be the easiest and least emotionally damaging to try to answer.
To be clear: oatmeal was around and available, it just never looked appealing to me... which is to say it looked like something Mama Bird had regurgitated into a bowl... and added berries. So as I stared at that steaming, somehow odorless pile, I couldn't help but wonder what it must've looked like beforehand.
Let’s kick this off with
two questions:
1. Is there a more boring topic to start a blog
with than oatmeal?
2. Why are you still reading?
The answer to both of
those probing questions: I don’t know. But if you are still here then join me, won’t you, as I
dance with the pale porridge, mix it up with the mushy meal and desperately try to make this dining
experience more exciting!
“My Teeth And Ambition Are Bared…”
Uncle Scar had a point: Be prepared. Preparation is key in
almost every breakfast related situation so I knew this was no time to go at
this all slapdash and slipshod. Not only since that’s the first time I’ve ever used those two
words, but also because if I was gonna’ do this, I was gonna' do this
right. With food on the brain
and none in my belly, I got myself set up and tuned into my favorite kitchen
cable-drama, “BReaking FAst”.
“That’s Not Ben
Franklin?”
For my first time, I
decided to stick to something a little familiar and what could be better than
that friendly faced farmer who’s been staring and smiling at children in
grocery stores and during school snack times for years? No, not "Creepy Jerry’s Sack of Oats". I'm talking about the next best thing: Quaker Oats! With more than 130 years of experience, I figured they got the
hang of this. Plus, the man in Quaker
garb on the box has always demanded a certain amount of credibility... maybe even
more since his 2012 makeover which made him about five pounds thinner and made
his skin more radiant from daily oatmeal facials. Fun Fact*: According to
Quaker Oats, that fella’s name is Larry. They apparently wanted a name as exciting as the
product itself.
*fun not guaranteed
“With great Oatmeal,
comes great responsibility”
People kept telling me
“Oatmeal is a superfood, you red-faced idiot,” but so far it just seemed super
boring. And calling me names seemed a bit unnecessary.
Let's see:
· Boil some water with a pinch of salt
· Add the oats
· Occasionally stir for one minute
That's it?
Easy to make? Definitely. But c'mon! Where’s the excitement? Where’s the thrill? Where’s that Oatmeal pizzazz I had heard so much
about from no one? Sure, it helps to lower cholesterol and may reduce the risk of heart disease and more, but it became
clear I was going to have to take matters into my own hands. So with a little imagination and a couple of
sharpies…
… and immediately
followed by a whole new set of problems.
“Quakin’ In My Boots”
After about a minute, I
was surprised to see that my breakfast was less like an edible substance and
more like something a tree pooped out. Ya know, it’s a humbling moment to realize that you are actually
going to be able to say the phrase “Oatmeal Attempt #2”, but I wanted to take a more
optimistic look at the situation. So… much like how Thomas Edison didn’t fail 2,000 times but instead learned 2,000 ways NOT to make a light bulb, I learned one way NOT to make oatmeal… the stupid way that doesn’t work.
Nevertheless, I fixed my
mistake and the outcome was a lot less plaster-y. With this
success, I wanted to get a taste of just the basic dish before adding any
sugar, cinnamon, or syrup, so I decided just to add the strawberries first…
which, to my surprise, also looked like Spider-Man...
Long Story Short:
Initial reaction: Tastes like hot. And not much else… At first I was worried I had screwed up again, but, no, that's just the way oatmeal doesn't taste. But fear not! As you know, I came prepared. First, I added some brown sugar, which was
okay. Then I tried some with
some syrup, which was alright. Then I realized I was kind of starting to sound like Goldilocks, so out of
fear of a bear attack, I tried some cinnamon which was juuuuuuuuuust right.
Once I finished, I had
to admit I didn’t get the whole deal about oatmeal . However, after doing some work on my laptop,
cleaning the house, and exercising, I found myself still full from that one
bowl of oatmeal even hours after having eaten it. Hmm... I don’t think that’s ever happened. In fact, I’m
the type of person who is seemingly hungrier immediately after eating. At least, I hope that’s a type of person and not
just a tapeworm.
But what's the best way to fully describe it? Not the most exciting flavor, but enjoyable... I've got it!
But what's the best way to fully describe it? Not the most exciting flavor, but enjoyable... I've got it!
POP CULTURE PAIRING!
What Movie Would Pair
Well With Oatmeal?
My recommendation: The Civil War: A Documentary by Ken Burns. Both aren't too flashy and aren't too colorful, but the complex nature
is simple to digest and interesting in its own way. Both are good for you and your health and though
some people might say it is boring, others will rave about how much they love
it. Also, you will need a
superfood to keep you going as you power through the more than 10 hours of
historical discussion and research.
Thanks for checking out
this week’s installment of That’s Not A Cheeseburger! Check out Quaker’s website for more info
on this week’s dish and check out Netflix to stream this week’s “Pop Culture
Pairing”!
